Gray day

It’s a gray day today.  There are lots of clouds, obscuring the sun, which would be fine if it would rain and water the lawn for me, but it most likely will not.  We live in a rain shadow so many times the storms simply pass us by and rain somewhere else.

The issue for me is I’m light sensitive.  It affects me two ways.  First on days like this I’d like to just crawl back in bed for the duration, but I don’t.  Instead I push myself to do what needs to be done, like the dishes I washed before picking up my daughter from school.  But I am decidedly grumpy and even when I sat to have some time with Jesus, I could not summon up much enthusiasm.  I usually feel better on sunny days.

The other way light can affect me is to be too much.  Sometimes I glance out the window on a bright sunny day, and even though there is a tree blocking most of it, I end up with spots in front of my eyes, like when you accidentally look toward a camera as it flashes.  In the worst case scenario, I can’t get it to go away and it can turn or pulsate and I have to take steps to prevent a migraine from taking over.

I used to get migraines a lot.  They weren’t unheard of in our family, but I was the only one who got them on a regular basis.  I used to read lists of foods that could trigger them, avoid all of them and still get headaches.  At one point I asked the doctor for a stronger medicine to take for them.  They were often worse in the late Spring, so it may have been this time of year.  Instead, he offered me something I would have to take for the rest of my life, that was supposed to moderate them, but not necessarily eliminate them.  I said no thanks and started taking an herb that did the same thing.

I learned that caffeine helped, so I started drinking more sodas.  Turned out to be a mistake.  Caffeine works best if you haven’t built up a tolerance, and it is not a preventative.  I can’t recall when I finally learned that flaxseed oil, taken by the tablespoonful on a regular basis is very helpful, probably because it helps your brain chemistry.  Getting older helped, because for women at least, migraines can be estrogen driven.  And I hurt my neck as a child, so I need regular chiropractic adjustments.

Anyway, I thank God that they are few and far between these days, though I was getting them recently when I was very stressed out about a job that kind of got dumped on me, temporarily as it turned out.  Nine years ago now, I had what I now describe as a doozy of a panic attack.  I’m not sure what it was called in the medical records, since it wasn’t diagnosed as such.  As part of the fallout, I happened to read a book that had a list of ailments that could be related to blocked emotions.  To my surprise, I had nearly everything on the list at one time or another.

Now at the time, I had been praying for a new ministry.  Somehow it had always seemed that I had been robbed of my calling, though I was never clear on what it should be in any case.  I did not understand for several years that God was saying that I needed healing to even begin to step into my calling.  I don’t know about you, but in my life, things seldom change quickly.  Perhaps that is because I am easily overwhelmed and God respects that.  Three years later, I was bumped into a place where God could begin to heal me, which was a complete surprise to me.  Though I had grown up in a tradition that included healing services, I never knew it could involve emotional healing.  I always thought that would require expensive and time consuming psychoanalysis, which would give me additional coping skills.  Somehow, though there were times it would have been appropriate, it always seemed out of my reach for one reason or another.

Oddly enough, when I was nearly to where God would deal with me, I attempted to go to a counselor, only to find my way blocked.  I don’t know if such things happen to you, but at least I recognized that God was at work here, and I’d better talk to Him.  So I poured out my heart to Him and He told me to trust Him.  Wow!  I had been following Jesus for 30 some years, but that was like a revelation.  We used to sing trust and obey, but I guess I thought the trust was a given, or I didn’t know how to trust.  So God put a lot of difficult stuff into my life at the same time, just so I would have to learn to trust Him.  Once I agreed, then and only then did He begin to heal a lot of old hurts that were still affecting me.  Ever since, I have begun to ask, whenever I am in a difficult spot, is there some way to bring healing here, Lord?


About ansaphil

I am the fourth of five children, born and raised in Bakersfield. I am an at home mom of two teenagers. I attended the local junior college and worked my way through my last two years at USC. But that was some time ago and I do not think writing ability has much to do with where one attended school. I was never sure what to be when I grew up. But I always loved books and music. Several years ago I found myself writing more and more in my journals. It was almost as though I was processing life through my writing. Eventually it occurred to me that perhaps I might have something to say publicly, and not just in my journals. I hope my unique perspective on things will be a blessing to all.
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