Second guessing

I am back from Ashram and reflecting on some of the Lord’s blessings there.  We were able to bring my godson, his 7 children, their grandma and uncle with us.  The grandma is my best friend who is obviously at a bit different place in her life than I am.  She spent one night at our house when we returned, so I did not clear off the guest room bed in vain after all.  

I could go into all the travel adventures, but that is not what is on my heart tonight.  Instead, the topic is second guessing ourselves and our interpretations of how the Lord has dealt with us.  I had the privilege of leading the prayer groups this year.  It was not a huge job.  In fact, as far as the time in camp is concerned, my role was quite small.  Mainly I asked people to lead and assigned people to groups.  Then I mostly turned people loose.  The Lord uses these groups as He will.  We did have  a time where we met to review guidelines, past problems and pray for one another, but that was about it.  I tend to get uptight if I have a lot of responsibilities, so this was a good fit for me.

I was not on the healing teams this year, however.  I enjoy that as well and have done it a couple of times, but was not needed this year.  So instead, I was free to go forward for prayer.  I don’t know about you, but there is usually something I can use some prayer for, whether it be physical, relational, spiritual or whatever.  I decided to go forward for prayer for some rashes on my hands that were being quite stubborn about healing up.

Now this seemed to be a fairly straightforward physical problem to me.  I have had skin problems quite often in my life.  I had psoriasis as a child and acne for much longer than most of my friends.  I’ve had warts and moles and freckles and age spots, as well as occasional hives.  But these rashes were new, relatively, so that’s what I went up for, in the healing service.  

To my great surprise though, the team I went to, said they felt led to pray for generational healing for me.  Okay, I could swing with that, since that had been a sort of theme for the year, after I read a book on the subject.  So, the only thing that came to mind was a family story about my maternal grandmother that seemed to have a lot of negative repercussions.  So that was what we prayed over, although I thought I had covered it pretty thoroughly when the Lord first brought it up.  I felt privileged to be able to participate in some sort of healing within my family.  In fact, that was what I shared in the Overflowing Heart closing time.  

You see, as a one time youngest in the family, for 5 years, I was often blamed for things, whether or not they were my fault.  I moved then into a middle position in the family and learned to mediate things when I could, or to keep out of the way the rest of the time.  Middle children are often somewhat invisible.  But somehow, I always felt my siblings wanted me to be the family scapegoat, if only because my approach to life often failed to meet with their approval.  So to think that I might be used to bring healing within the family is really a redemption of that situation.  The Lord has a way of coming up with very unique uses for our lives.  If I were writing a story about a middle child, I might have them show everyone that they chose the right path for themselves by its very success.   I don’t think I would come up with using the despised one as a path to healing for the others.  It’s biblical enough, just unexpected. 

It is after the fact, that I begin to second guess things.  No, it’s not that I am rejecting the role I just described, but though my rash seemed better at first, it flared up again once I got home.  So, in my mind, I began to second guess whether we prayed about the right situation at all.  As I said, I had prayed over this story on my own.  Perhaps there is something else altogether that is involved with the rash.  I could have shared things from the other side of the family, or things that affected only me, or…   Well, that’s the way with second guessing.  Basically, when you are meeting someone for prayer, you have to go with what pops into your head at the time and trust that the Lord put it there.  Surely there is more that needs healing, but I guess I will have to wait and see how and when He leads me into those other things.

How about you?  Have you ever second guessed the Lord on something He has done in your life?  How did that work out?


About ansaphil

I am the fourth of five children, born and raised in Bakersfield. I am an at home mom of two teenagers. I attended the local junior college and worked my way through my last two years at USC. But that was some time ago and I do not think writing ability has much to do with where one attended school. I was never sure what to be when I grew up. But I always loved books and music. Several years ago I found myself writing more and more in my journals. It was almost as though I was processing life through my writing. Eventually it occurred to me that perhaps I might have something to say publicly, and not just in my journals. I hope my unique perspective on things will be a blessing to all.
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