The courage to move on

Dear One, 

It’s been a while now, since you died.  I have to tell you, it has not been easy.  The kids were a wreck and I was not much better.  Do you remember when we had that talk about how I would get along if anything happened to you on your commute?  You said some man would snap me right up.  Hah!  It is not happening!

Let me tell you when it really hit home.  It was when the D.S. came and asked me what I wanted to do now.  Somehow, until that moment, I had not realized that losing you also meant losing our home, because of course it belongs to the next pastor of that church.  I was lost!  I had traumatized children and now we were being kicked out of our home as well, only shortly after the funeral.  

It was really strange though, what came out of my mouth in answer to his question.  I hadn’t thought any of it through, but said I would go to seminary myself.  I guess I figured I could finish what you started, in some way.  Or maybe it would just keep me in the world I knew, in a fashion.  So that’s what I did.  

Here’s the funny part though.  I ended up in a rather conservative seminary.  So far from men wanting to pick me up, these men are threatened by me.  Most of them are married anyway, but one even asked me why I wanted to go to seminary instead of just being a wife and mother!  I said sure, I’d like that, do you know any guys?  He shut up pretty quick, let me tell you.

Anyway, we have somehow survived thus far.  I will keep you posted on how it all turns out.  It’s lonely, but I have my hands full with our daughter and school and a part time position at a church, to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads.


Hi, it’s me again.  I’m through with school and was sent to a small town in Northern California.  The congregation is great, but let me tell you, there are no prospects here.  They are either married or elderly.  In fact, a large portion of the congregation are women.  We are out in the middle of nowhere, but your daughter is doing well in high school and we love the rugged beauty of the place.


Hi, just wanted to make an update for you.  Our daughter has finished high school and gone off to college.  I suppose it’s just the empty nest thing, but I’ve been feeling lonely again.  I finally answered an ad in a ministerial publication.  I’ve been corresponding with a Presbyterian minister.  I know, it’s not our denomination, but we seem to agree on the essentials anyway.  He is a widower and has a teenaged daughter.  I can’t imagine how we could ever meet, since he lives in another state, but I’ve been enjoying the exchange of letters anyway.


Okay, you’ll never believe this!  I traveled down to the city for the yearly meetings.  He said he’d fly in to meet me!  I was so nervous!  This is so crazy!  Anyway, we met and had lunch, though we could hardly eat for the nerves.  By the end of the day we decided to get married.  Now this part is actually miraculous.  You know it usually takes quite a while to meet with the D.S. and the Bishop and the Board.  But everyone was in town for the meetings and we got to see them all, one after another in the same day!  I’ve never heard of such a thing!  So we’ve got the okay and are working out the details.  Wish me luck!


About ansaphil

I am the fourth of five children, born and raised in Bakersfield. I am an at home mom of two teenagers. I attended the local junior college and worked my way through my last two years at USC. But that was some time ago and I do not think writing ability has much to do with where one attended school. I was never sure what to be when I grew up. But I always loved books and music. Several years ago I found myself writing more and more in my journals. It was almost as though I was processing life through my writing. Eventually it occurred to me that perhaps I might have something to say publicly, and not just in my journals. I hope my unique perspective on things will be a blessing to all.
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1 Response to The courage to move on

  1. ansaphil says:

    Thanks to Kathleen Kaplan for sharing stories from her life, on which this is based.

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